“You are a disaster”. This statement ain’t nothing new for me. I’m so fucking used to it…
I’m back to blogging after a long time. And yet again, I’m pissed. Totally pissed off with the way stuff goes on around me in this fucking world where talking about anything new is a fucking crime. All people expect you to do is be the same thing you see around you - the same, old stereotypical, boring shit. You try being different, you get all sorts of shit from your so-called elders who, instead of setting up an example for you show you that talking of anything different (and I don’t mean anti-socialistic stuff by saying different) is nothing short of heisting a bank…yeah, right. Nice example they set us. And what’s worse, we, the so-called Gen-Next, the inheritors of the Planet always take this crap and accept it without any haste. Cool, ain’t it? And when you find someone trying to be different, someone trying to walk away from the crowd (I, personally fell damn suffocated, to be honest), you get all sorts of fucking bullshit from you ‘elders’ including stuff like “you are a disaster”, “can’t believe you are my son/daughter", “oh what not did I expect of you”, “can’t you see what’s going on in the world around you”, “you got an attitude problem” etc. That’s great. I mean, if there was ever a God (I know there ain’t anyway) then, I would really love to question that asshole (I do mean to hurt sentiments, in case you get hurt)…I’d love to ask him – “if you don’t think beyond the crowd, if you don’t be different, if you don’t be what no one else could be, then what’s the use of Evolution? If you can’t be better than what others around you are, then how do you define Evolution?”
In the current scenario at my home and in this country called “India”, the situation is so bad that “India” and “evolution” or even, “development”, is an oxymoron. I mean it’s so terrible that trying to think beyond the mental capability of the people around you (which, of course, is terribly pathetic), you’ll be rated as a “wannabe”, a “loser”, an “over-smart guy” and, in my case, “a disaster”. Look, to put it plain and simple, I wanna be different. I don’t wanna be the guy-next-door. I don’t wanna live this stupid, stereotypic life where, sitting at the current position, I can actually predict correctly what’s gonna happen the next day. This is life? I beg to differ. I thought life was an adventure…a desire to live and let live till you became food for something else…an excitement where you cannot predict what’s coming up next…like a battle where you keep fighting till you die…that’s excitement, adventure, frolic, joy…in short, that’s life. Well, do you get it anywhere? I don’t think so. We all aim for IITs and this and that…and, our preparations for our achievements eats away our life, our childhood, our adolescence…and after sacrificing so much, do we achieve anything different? No. it’s the same old shit we achieve that people keep on achieving year after year.
I’ve got my boards going on now. Within a fortnight, I’ll be taking my IITJEE. Trust me; I so don’t want to see 10th April, the fateful day. I know I won’t be able to crack IIT. No matter how hard I try, I’ll surely not be able to crack it. Math is gonna screw me up. I just don’t have the niche in this area. But who is there to understand? I got a father who wants me to achieve is dream – studying in an IIT. He’s spent a hell lot behind me, behind my ‘preparations’ but, I know what I’m capable of. And IIT ain’t my cup of tea. I’ll try, that I know. I won’t succeed. I know that too. My flair is elsewhere. Not academics. So what if I manage to score without much effort? There’s nothing great in that. I’m able to do so only because I can think. Yes, unlike most of you, I actually use my brain. I try to experience what I read in my text books instead of just mugging or just going for lame application. Unfortunately, my view points are taken to be street-smart and what terrible fights I face at home! I mean, my dad wanted me to be a good guy…innocent, understanding, respectful, academic…in other words, a stereotypic asshole. He imposed so many restrictions on me…restrictions which I’m ashamed to talk about because none of you ever face that at home. I went through severe disciplining…I was his punch-bag, a vending machine for his anger (I still am, tho’, I’ve learnt to resist)…and I turned out to be quite the opposite. Strange, ain’t it?
I always wanted to join the armed forces and live a life of adventure. I mean, that’s life guys. But, all I have to do now is dream of it. Speaking of joining the army is a taboo at my place. I wanted to be a footballer. That dream, too was shattered. I wanted to be a musician. Shattered without a cause. In other words, I wanted to be happy. I’m sorry to say that I’m deprived of that piece of luck. Happiness is just not for me, I guess. I wanted to chase my own dreams. And look, I end up chasing my dad’s unfulfilled dreams. Wow. This is the way of India. When will people realize that we, too, have our dreams, something that we wanna achieve? Not in the recent future…and the worst part is, there ain’t nothing you can do about it. I know I can’t crack IIT because it’s me who’s been doing the preparations and only I’ll realize the shit involved, not my dad. All he can do is pay the cash and give me “I spent so much behind your preparations. I spent so much to get you tutored at FIITJEE. Where is the result of the spending?” All he cares about is the cash spent. He doesn’t care about the life his son is missing out on. He doesn’t care about the increasing anxiety in his son’s head. I feel sorry for his son. With the increasing pressure and, with the fateful day arriving, he feels lost. He feels that the only thing worth doing now is to slog like an ass and give it a vain attempt. And, in case his attempt truly fails, he’ll have no other option apart from committing suicide…because he won’t be able to stand the look on my father’s face reading “Betrayer”…we all wanna be happy…and I realize this now – sometimes, the greater happiness lies in being morose and, the greatest happiness lies in dying…that’s me…
