NOTE:- I won’t be using real names of people out here…but, I’ll select their pseudo names in such a way so that it reflects their gender as well as the initials of their real names. Example – Dave Mustaine becomes David Murry.
Hi people…looks like am back to blogging after what seems like ages…yes, that’s true…been a whole lot busy…well, I guess u know that when I blog, it means am gonna speak up about something which has been bothering me in my real life but, I don’t got no one in the real world to share it with…I guess I prefer the virtual world…
Well, anyways, what I’m gonna tell now is like old news for u all…as in u people go thru’ this too…I believe all of u know why I became a gothic metalhead…(if u don’t, then go thru’ my previous posts)…well, I tried being normal for once…but failed DRASTICALLY! Today is the 4th of June, 2011. Well, my attempts to be a normal human shattered last night…
Look, let’s get to the point. I’m hurt. I guess I’m meant to be this way. U know, hurt beyond the point of no return when the pain don’t matter anymore. I have loved in this life (pretty unusual for a gothic) and, I have lost even before getting them. And guess what? All the time, I got the same fucking answer.
We start off with Amy Preach. Honestly, I love her still. i mean, it’s easy to say that I have moved on(which I have), but, can u stop loving someone even if u fall head over heels for someone else? I’d say no. well, I guess I didn’t have the maturity enough at that time to handle this…so, it’s alright.
Next, we have Sandra Andrews. Yeah, I guess she was my second shortest relationship…apparently, she’s still stuck to her 2-ex-guys…and yeah, she loves them…I’m just wondering where was my fault that I didn’t get to enjoy the same privileges as them. Well, I’m glad that she, unlike most people, knows what she wants in her life…I guess I was too fucking fragile to be with someone who, I knew, didn’t reciprocate the way I felt for her…let bygones be bygones…
Finally, I got Beatrice Summers…she was like an angel falling from the Heavens and yes, she did try to lighten up my life…how I thank her for that…we shared a mutual feeling of liking for each other. And she was so good to me and so supportive that I couldn’t help but fall in love…something I didn’t plan on doing. And, I got the old news…”the feeling is mutual.” I was like, on cloud #9. Then stuff went well and my instincts took over. I could smell it coming. Like it came twice before her.
And, last night was the night.
Now, I’ll quote what was common amongst all. “Look, dude, ur a real nice and sweet guy and I was very happy with you but, I’m sorry to say that I don’t feel the same way for u…”. wow…three girls tell me the same thing word by word. Cool, ain’t it? I felt like laughing. What a coincidence! And then, the million-dollar question “But we can be friends, you know.” Yeah, right. Bring up all old barriers which were demolished for some time and go back to being friends. It hurts being friends with someone you love, especially when they had acknowledged ur love. And before I could digest this, I get the billion-dollar question – “I don’t wanna hurt u. ur too sweet. Why don’t we go back to being the same way we were?” wow. Another nuke blasting on me. You tell me that my feelings ain’t reciprocated and yet, I gotta go back to you and, think a million times before saying or doing anything. I can give it a try.
So, this proves that this love shit just ain’t for me. It never was. I’m just glad that I wasn’t kept in an illusion and that these fairies owned up their true feelings. Well, now, Beatrice wants us to go on the way we were…as in, continue our relationship the way it was going on…I agreed. I would really want it to work out with her and, I’m keeping my fingers crossed so that, one day, she might reciprocate my feelings too…till then, it’s just a matter of time till she really falls for someone else and then, I make my exit. It’s a huge gamble I’m making but, then again, I got nothing to lose. I lost my happiness ages ago. These few moments I’m gonna have with her before she has to go will be the few happy memories I’m gonna have to cling onto before climbing into my grave. And yes, I do have my sub ready. Just in case, I have asked my XenoKnight vocalist to find me a “girlfriend” for me who will make me experience the “female touch” without me having any responsibilities apart from paying her…I’m keeping my option open, in case Beatrice has to walk out…in the meantime, I’m gonna be with her and never let her feel what sorrow is…I’ll try to keep her happy…maybe, if I be what i am with her, if I make her happy, I can make her fall for me…and then, there’s no looking back! Till, then, we gotta wait…keep your fingers crossed for me people…
This is the Rattlehead Signing off…
Friday, June 3, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Inspiration or Desperation?
“You are a disaster”. This statement ain’t nothing new for me. I’m so fucking used to it…
I’m back to blogging after a long time. And yet again, I’m pissed. Totally pissed off with the way stuff goes on around me in this fucking world where talking about anything new is a fucking crime. All people expect you to do is be the same thing you see around you - the same, old stereotypical, boring shit. You try being different, you get all sorts of shit from your so-called elders who, instead of setting up an example for you show you that talking of anything different (and I don’t mean anti-socialistic stuff by saying different) is nothing short of heisting a bank…yeah, right. Nice example they set us. And what’s worse, we, the so-called Gen-Next, the inheritors of the Planet always take this crap and accept it without any haste. Cool, ain’t it? And when you find someone trying to be different, someone trying to walk away from the crowd (I, personally fell damn suffocated, to be honest), you get all sorts of fucking bullshit from you ‘elders’ including stuff like “you are a disaster”, “can’t believe you are my son/daughter", “oh what not did I expect of you”, “can’t you see what’s going on in the world around you”, “you got an attitude problem” etc. That’s great. I mean, if there was ever a God (I know there ain’t anyway) then, I would really love to question that asshole (I do mean to hurt sentiments, in case you get hurt)…I’d love to ask him – “if you don’t think beyond the crowd, if you don’t be different, if you don’t be what no one else could be, then what’s the use of Evolution? If you can’t be better than what others around you are, then how do you define Evolution?”
In the current scenario at my home and in this country called “India”, the situation is so bad that “India” and “evolution” or even, “development”, is an oxymoron. I mean it’s so terrible that trying to think beyond the mental capability of the people around you (which, of course, is terribly pathetic), you’ll be rated as a “wannabe”, a “loser”, an “over-smart guy” and, in my case, “a disaster”. Look, to put it plain and simple, I wanna be different. I don’t wanna be the guy-next-door. I don’t wanna live this stupid, stereotypic life where, sitting at the current position, I can actually predict correctly what’s gonna happen the next day. This is life? I beg to differ. I thought life was an adventure…a desire to live and let live till you became food for something else…an excitement where you cannot predict what’s coming up next…like a battle where you keep fighting till you die…that’s excitement, adventure, frolic, joy…in short, that’s life. Well, do you get it anywhere? I don’t think so. We all aim for IITs and this and that…and, our preparations for our achievements eats away our life, our childhood, our adolescence…and after sacrificing so much, do we achieve anything different? No. it’s the same old shit we achieve that people keep on achieving year after year.
I’ve got my boards going on now. Within a fortnight, I’ll be taking my IITJEE. Trust me; I so don’t want to see 10th April, the fateful day. I know I won’t be able to crack IIT. No matter how hard I try, I’ll surely not be able to crack it. Math is gonna screw me up. I just don’t have the niche in this area. But who is there to understand? I got a father who wants me to achieve is dream – studying in an IIT. He’s spent a hell lot behind me, behind my ‘preparations’ but, I know what I’m capable of. And IIT ain’t my cup of tea. I’ll try, that I know. I won’t succeed. I know that too. My flair is elsewhere. Not academics. So what if I manage to score without much effort? There’s nothing great in that. I’m able to do so only because I can think. Yes, unlike most of you, I actually use my brain. I try to experience what I read in my text books instead of just mugging or just going for lame application. Unfortunately, my view points are taken to be street-smart and what terrible fights I face at home! I mean, my dad wanted me to be a good guy…innocent, understanding, respectful, academic…in other words, a stereotypic asshole. He imposed so many restrictions on me…restrictions which I’m ashamed to talk about because none of you ever face that at home. I went through severe disciplining…I was his punch-bag, a vending machine for his anger (I still am, tho’, I’ve learnt to resist)…and I turned out to be quite the opposite. Strange, ain’t it?
I always wanted to join the armed forces and live a life of adventure. I mean, that’s life guys. But, all I have to do now is dream of it. Speaking of joining the army is a taboo at my place. I wanted to be a footballer. That dream, too was shattered. I wanted to be a musician. Shattered without a cause. In other words, I wanted to be happy. I’m sorry to say that I’m deprived of that piece of luck. Happiness is just not for me, I guess. I wanted to chase my own dreams. And look, I end up chasing my dad’s unfulfilled dreams. Wow. This is the way of India. When will people realize that we, too, have our dreams, something that we wanna achieve? Not in the recent future…and the worst part is, there ain’t nothing you can do about it. I know I can’t crack IIT because it’s me who’s been doing the preparations and only I’ll realize the shit involved, not my dad. All he can do is pay the cash and give me “I spent so much behind your preparations. I spent so much to get you tutored at FIITJEE. Where is the result of the spending?” All he cares about is the cash spent. He doesn’t care about the life his son is missing out on. He doesn’t care about the increasing anxiety in his son’s head. I feel sorry for his son. With the increasing pressure and, with the fateful day arriving, he feels lost. He feels that the only thing worth doing now is to slog like an ass and give it a vain attempt. And, in case his attempt truly fails, he’ll have no other option apart from committing suicide…because he won’t be able to stand the look on my father’s face reading “Betrayer”…we all wanna be happy…and I realize this now – sometimes, the greater happiness lies in being morose and, the greatest happiness lies in dying…that’s me…
I’m back to blogging after a long time. And yet again, I’m pissed. Totally pissed off with the way stuff goes on around me in this fucking world where talking about anything new is a fucking crime. All people expect you to do is be the same thing you see around you - the same, old stereotypical, boring shit. You try being different, you get all sorts of shit from your so-called elders who, instead of setting up an example for you show you that talking of anything different (and I don’t mean anti-socialistic stuff by saying different) is nothing short of heisting a bank…yeah, right. Nice example they set us. And what’s worse, we, the so-called Gen-Next, the inheritors of the Planet always take this crap and accept it without any haste. Cool, ain’t it? And when you find someone trying to be different, someone trying to walk away from the crowd (I, personally fell damn suffocated, to be honest), you get all sorts of fucking bullshit from you ‘elders’ including stuff like “you are a disaster”, “can’t believe you are my son/daughter", “oh what not did I expect of you”, “can’t you see what’s going on in the world around you”, “you got an attitude problem” etc. That’s great. I mean, if there was ever a God (I know there ain’t anyway) then, I would really love to question that asshole (I do mean to hurt sentiments, in case you get hurt)…I’d love to ask him – “if you don’t think beyond the crowd, if you don’t be different, if you don’t be what no one else could be, then what’s the use of Evolution? If you can’t be better than what others around you are, then how do you define Evolution?”
In the current scenario at my home and in this country called “India”, the situation is so bad that “India” and “evolution” or even, “development”, is an oxymoron. I mean it’s so terrible that trying to think beyond the mental capability of the people around you (which, of course, is terribly pathetic), you’ll be rated as a “wannabe”, a “loser”, an “over-smart guy” and, in my case, “a disaster”. Look, to put it plain and simple, I wanna be different. I don’t wanna be the guy-next-door. I don’t wanna live this stupid, stereotypic life where, sitting at the current position, I can actually predict correctly what’s gonna happen the next day. This is life? I beg to differ. I thought life was an adventure…a desire to live and let live till you became food for something else…an excitement where you cannot predict what’s coming up next…like a battle where you keep fighting till you die…that’s excitement, adventure, frolic, joy…in short, that’s life. Well, do you get it anywhere? I don’t think so. We all aim for IITs and this and that…and, our preparations for our achievements eats away our life, our childhood, our adolescence…and after sacrificing so much, do we achieve anything different? No. it’s the same old shit we achieve that people keep on achieving year after year.
I’ve got my boards going on now. Within a fortnight, I’ll be taking my IITJEE. Trust me; I so don’t want to see 10th April, the fateful day. I know I won’t be able to crack IIT. No matter how hard I try, I’ll surely not be able to crack it. Math is gonna screw me up. I just don’t have the niche in this area. But who is there to understand? I got a father who wants me to achieve is dream – studying in an IIT. He’s spent a hell lot behind me, behind my ‘preparations’ but, I know what I’m capable of. And IIT ain’t my cup of tea. I’ll try, that I know. I won’t succeed. I know that too. My flair is elsewhere. Not academics. So what if I manage to score without much effort? There’s nothing great in that. I’m able to do so only because I can think. Yes, unlike most of you, I actually use my brain. I try to experience what I read in my text books instead of just mugging or just going for lame application. Unfortunately, my view points are taken to be street-smart and what terrible fights I face at home! I mean, my dad wanted me to be a good guy…innocent, understanding, respectful, academic…in other words, a stereotypic asshole. He imposed so many restrictions on me…restrictions which I’m ashamed to talk about because none of you ever face that at home. I went through severe disciplining…I was his punch-bag, a vending machine for his anger (I still am, tho’, I’ve learnt to resist)…and I turned out to be quite the opposite. Strange, ain’t it?
I always wanted to join the armed forces and live a life of adventure. I mean, that’s life guys. But, all I have to do now is dream of it. Speaking of joining the army is a taboo at my place. I wanted to be a footballer. That dream, too was shattered. I wanted to be a musician. Shattered without a cause. In other words, I wanted to be happy. I’m sorry to say that I’m deprived of that piece of luck. Happiness is just not for me, I guess. I wanted to chase my own dreams. And look, I end up chasing my dad’s unfulfilled dreams. Wow. This is the way of India. When will people realize that we, too, have our dreams, something that we wanna achieve? Not in the recent future…and the worst part is, there ain’t nothing you can do about it. I know I can’t crack IIT because it’s me who’s been doing the preparations and only I’ll realize the shit involved, not my dad. All he can do is pay the cash and give me “I spent so much behind your preparations. I spent so much to get you tutored at FIITJEE. Where is the result of the spending?” All he cares about is the cash spent. He doesn’t care about the life his son is missing out on. He doesn’t care about the increasing anxiety in his son’s head. I feel sorry for his son. With the increasing pressure and, with the fateful day arriving, he feels lost. He feels that the only thing worth doing now is to slog like an ass and give it a vain attempt. And, in case his attempt truly fails, he’ll have no other option apart from committing suicide…because he won’t be able to stand the look on my father’s face reading “Betrayer”…we all wanna be happy…and I realize this now – sometimes, the greater happiness lies in being morose and, the greatest happiness lies in dying…that’s me…
Monday, July 26, 2010
My God...
DISCLAIMER:- this work is, purely a work of reality and what I think. This, being a democratic world, I believe in my freedom of speech and expression and in yours too as long as we don’t hurt other’s sentiments. It’s just my views. I am, in no way, forcing my ideas on you. Accept it if you wanna or dump it down the drain. But, read on with an open mind, and you might just find that your ideas about god is changing. And if this hurts any sentiments, then all I can say is, “I don’t absolutely give a fuck.”
Ever since I was a child, I was told that some guy called God looks over us and protects us. I was told that he sees all wrong and punishes the guilty. He rewards those who do good and also forgives all those who are sorry for their sins. Being an innocent little kid, I believed every word that I was told.as I grew older, as sense got into me, as I started using this brain I got to unravel the various wonders I saw around me and try to understand why, I realized that this God concept wasn’t that authentic or true. Nonetheless, I believed it. As time began to fly and I started reading physics books and about all the famous and the not-so-famous discoveries that made our life so much worth living, I began doubting that god kept us fit and fine. But, when I took this up to dad, dad said that these things were discovered because god wanted us to find them.
This is how my dad defines god. So many people have so many definitions. Some say god is the savior. Others say god helps them in times of need. Some curse him for anything that goes wrong. Some thinks he does miracles. My very close and special friend, Bharti, takes god to be someone to whom she can talk to…a friend to whom she can always look up to and share all her emotions and pains with…with one catch, though…she gets no response back in return. I salute Bharti for this view about god. All her pent up emotions that she gathers during the, at the end of it all, she just tells them to her friend and relieves herself of this burden of emotions. I salute her because she does one important thing which, I believe, all of us should do…kick all emotions away because, pent up emotions can cause a real dis-balance in our system.
I won’t go into much detail about idea on god. I’ll just give you my views. All of you must be knowing that energy and matter can neither be created nor destroyed. In the language of physics, the total energy of the universe is constant. Well, answer this, where did this energy come from? Who created the universe? Who framed the laws of Nature? All I can say is, and the great Stephen Hawking agrees with me, that there is some kind of a mystique power, intangible to our mortal senses and beyond our understanding, which provided the energy for it all. I mean, look around you, everything’s going on at such a perfect, normal pace…all so well balanced, so well planned. Nothing is going haywire, is it? Why? Why is our universe expanding at such a rate that it’s avoiding the critical rate for which, it’ll be destined for the Big Crunch or keep on expanding at such a fast rate that it’ll all be lost into infinity? How come, there is just the perfect amount of Dark Matter in the universe to check the Crunch Effect of gravity? (Dark Matter is a force which is opposite to gravity. It pulls things away.). The answer is simple – there is a controlling force. We can put it this way – something, or someone, framed the laws of the universe, put enough energy to cause the Big-Bang and then, just let it expand according to its laws. And, in some part of its laws, there was written the development of intelligent beings like us who would actually question why was everything the way they were…brilliant, isn’t it? Wait, I have more. Then, this means that we might not be the only intelligent beings in the universe. Extra-terrestrial life may exist as well. Then, why can’t we find who is it?
Once, I was asked by a priest, “Son, do you believe in god?” I answered, “I believe I can never understand God.” Yes, I now know how right I was. After spending hours and days in thought, I finally came up with this. You see, this thing, this being or whatever has got us created by its own laws. Our brain, with which we try to understand everything, is just a gift of this thing. Then, how can we, using this brain, understand our creator? It’s something like this – suppose when you were born, you were separated from your dad. After 21 years, you are shown three men and you are asked to recognize who your dad is. Will you be able to tell by just looking? No, right? The same is here. We just cannot use our brain to understand its creator. Like the sacred texts say, there are a few things which god simply doesn’t want us to understand. And last, but not the least, people say that god is within us. I’ll put it this way – each one of us, every object or being around us is an example of how beautifully the laws were set by this great being…so it’s not wrong to say that a part of this being is within each and everything, is it? I bow to thee, Creator…thy powers are really great…
Ever since I was a child, I was told that some guy called God looks over us and protects us. I was told that he sees all wrong and punishes the guilty. He rewards those who do good and also forgives all those who are sorry for their sins. Being an innocent little kid, I believed every word that I was told.as I grew older, as sense got into me, as I started using this brain I got to unravel the various wonders I saw around me and try to understand why, I realized that this God concept wasn’t that authentic or true. Nonetheless, I believed it. As time began to fly and I started reading physics books and about all the famous and the not-so-famous discoveries that made our life so much worth living, I began doubting that god kept us fit and fine. But, when I took this up to dad, dad said that these things were discovered because god wanted us to find them.
This is how my dad defines god. So many people have so many definitions. Some say god is the savior. Others say god helps them in times of need. Some curse him for anything that goes wrong. Some thinks he does miracles. My very close and special friend, Bharti, takes god to be someone to whom she can talk to…a friend to whom she can always look up to and share all her emotions and pains with…with one catch, though…she gets no response back in return. I salute Bharti for this view about god. All her pent up emotions that she gathers during the, at the end of it all, she just tells them to her friend and relieves herself of this burden of emotions. I salute her because she does one important thing which, I believe, all of us should do…kick all emotions away because, pent up emotions can cause a real dis-balance in our system.
I won’t go into much detail about idea on god. I’ll just give you my views. All of you must be knowing that energy and matter can neither be created nor destroyed. In the language of physics, the total energy of the universe is constant. Well, answer this, where did this energy come from? Who created the universe? Who framed the laws of Nature? All I can say is, and the great Stephen Hawking agrees with me, that there is some kind of a mystique power, intangible to our mortal senses and beyond our understanding, which provided the energy for it all. I mean, look around you, everything’s going on at such a perfect, normal pace…all so well balanced, so well planned. Nothing is going haywire, is it? Why? Why is our universe expanding at such a rate that it’s avoiding the critical rate for which, it’ll be destined for the Big Crunch or keep on expanding at such a fast rate that it’ll all be lost into infinity? How come, there is just the perfect amount of Dark Matter in the universe to check the Crunch Effect of gravity? (Dark Matter is a force which is opposite to gravity. It pulls things away.). The answer is simple – there is a controlling force. We can put it this way – something, or someone, framed the laws of the universe, put enough energy to cause the Big-Bang and then, just let it expand according to its laws. And, in some part of its laws, there was written the development of intelligent beings like us who would actually question why was everything the way they were…brilliant, isn’t it? Wait, I have more. Then, this means that we might not be the only intelligent beings in the universe. Extra-terrestrial life may exist as well. Then, why can’t we find who is it?
Once, I was asked by a priest, “Son, do you believe in god?” I answered, “I believe I can never understand God.” Yes, I now know how right I was. After spending hours and days in thought, I finally came up with this. You see, this thing, this being or whatever has got us created by its own laws. Our brain, with which we try to understand everything, is just a gift of this thing. Then, how can we, using this brain, understand our creator? It’s something like this – suppose when you were born, you were separated from your dad. After 21 years, you are shown three men and you are asked to recognize who your dad is. Will you be able to tell by just looking? No, right? The same is here. We just cannot use our brain to understand its creator. Like the sacred texts say, there are a few things which god simply doesn’t want us to understand. And last, but not the least, people say that god is within us. I’ll put it this way – each one of us, every object or being around us is an example of how beautifully the laws were set by this great being…so it’s not wrong to say that a part of this being is within each and everything, is it? I bow to thee, Creator…thy powers are really great…
Sunday, June 13, 2010
"Highway to Hell"
You know, there are just so many ways to die. So many ways. Start naming a few and you’ll come across loads. I tried one. I had almost succeeded. But, “thanks” to mum, I came back. But, the excitement has hit me hard on my butt. I wanna experience it all. I wanna know what lies on the other side.
You might probably think why I am getting so suicidal suddenly. Well, given what I have to go through at home, anyone would. There’s no love out here. All hatred and spite…there’s no one to look up to. And if you think of asking me about my “Mommy”, let’s just say she hardly cares as to what’s going right or wrong with me. She’s busy with her life, and I do not blame her. Any sane person would be. Come on now, she’s about to start college. Why shouldn’t she be bothered about her life and self? Who am I to her? Just who? I know, just another guy. Look, it would hardly make a difference to you or anyone as to what am doing with this life or if am just dumping it down the drain. True that I am missing talking to mommy, the fights and good stuff and everything, but why should I blame her? If she doesn’t want to talk to me because it would hamper her studies and mind, then she’s got full right not to. I don’t mind (it hardly makes a difference, anyway, even if I do mind.)
I have tried hanging myself. I have tried slashing my wrist. The latter’s more painful. I have been run down on the road. It’s painful. I have been kicked hard on my balls during soccer. It hurts. I have been stomped on my face with football spikes; I have been thrashed around by my dad. But you know what the problem is? I never died. I just never did. Dunno why. May be somewhere down the line, I am destined to live. Frankly, I don’t know if I believe in destiny. But all I know is where other’s would have I died, I have lived. You know, this chick called Death (oh my! Am I getting horny? Guess I am…she’s just too hot!)…well, I guess she’s in love with me. She’s tried so many times to get me…umm; I guess it ain’t wrong to love someone and wanting to be with that person…then what’s wrong if she wants me? Don’t worry, I won’t die a virgin. Quoting Kurt (ah! My hero! Death at 27, drug overdose and a bullet in the head.),” No one dies a virgin. Life fucks us all.” And neither would I. come on, I’ll get to fuck Death then! Woo! I just can’t wait for it! But do I love her? I don’t know. But, if I wanna live on, then, will I be happy?
You know, my dad once asked me, “What’s your aim in life?” I knew a huge lecture on studies and IIT was coming up. I, honestly replied, “Being happy.” Of course, I was taken to task for speaking “paka paka jinish” (over smart stuff) but I don’t get it. Don’t all of us wanna be happy???
Well, I guess you must be wondering what my point is. What am I trying to say? Let’s put it this way. Am just typing down random stuff that’s coming to my mind…a hurt mind…badly hurt…don’t ask why…as usual, a fight for a stupid reason. And yes, I have been barred from food inside this house. Good, ain’t it? Yeah, laugh on, laugh on, I won’t mind…
You know, what the problem is? It’s simple. The world, this world, is too cruel, especially to people like me, who simply refuse to give in to something illogical and actually question the saneness of human civilization and rebel against the System…more on system later…if you are a rebel, you’ll understand what am talking about…or if u ain’t, am sure there are many around you like me, who challenges the CEO of this world. Ask them if my words are true or not.
You might probably think why I am getting so suicidal suddenly. Well, given what I have to go through at home, anyone would. There’s no love out here. All hatred and spite…there’s no one to look up to. And if you think of asking me about my “Mommy”, let’s just say she hardly cares as to what’s going right or wrong with me. She’s busy with her life, and I do not blame her. Any sane person would be. Come on now, she’s about to start college. Why shouldn’t she be bothered about her life and self? Who am I to her? Just who? I know, just another guy. Look, it would hardly make a difference to you or anyone as to what am doing with this life or if am just dumping it down the drain. True that I am missing talking to mommy, the fights and good stuff and everything, but why should I blame her? If she doesn’t want to talk to me because it would hamper her studies and mind, then she’s got full right not to. I don’t mind (it hardly makes a difference, anyway, even if I do mind.)
I have tried hanging myself. I have tried slashing my wrist. The latter’s more painful. I have been run down on the road. It’s painful. I have been kicked hard on my balls during soccer. It hurts. I have been stomped on my face with football spikes; I have been thrashed around by my dad. But you know what the problem is? I never died. I just never did. Dunno why. May be somewhere down the line, I am destined to live. Frankly, I don’t know if I believe in destiny. But all I know is where other’s would have I died, I have lived. You know, this chick called Death (oh my! Am I getting horny? Guess I am…she’s just too hot!)…well, I guess she’s in love with me. She’s tried so many times to get me…umm; I guess it ain’t wrong to love someone and wanting to be with that person…then what’s wrong if she wants me? Don’t worry, I won’t die a virgin. Quoting Kurt (ah! My hero! Death at 27, drug overdose and a bullet in the head.),” No one dies a virgin. Life fucks us all.” And neither would I. come on, I’ll get to fuck Death then! Woo! I just can’t wait for it! But do I love her? I don’t know. But, if I wanna live on, then, will I be happy?
You know, my dad once asked me, “What’s your aim in life?” I knew a huge lecture on studies and IIT was coming up. I, honestly replied, “Being happy.” Of course, I was taken to task for speaking “paka paka jinish” (over smart stuff) but I don’t get it. Don’t all of us wanna be happy???
Well, I guess you must be wondering what my point is. What am I trying to say? Let’s put it this way. Am just typing down random stuff that’s coming to my mind…a hurt mind…badly hurt…don’t ask why…as usual, a fight for a stupid reason. And yes, I have been barred from food inside this house. Good, ain’t it? Yeah, laugh on, laugh on, I won’t mind…
You know, what the problem is? It’s simple. The world, this world, is too cruel, especially to people like me, who simply refuse to give in to something illogical and actually question the saneness of human civilization and rebel against the System…more on system later…if you are a rebel, you’ll understand what am talking about…or if u ain’t, am sure there are many around you like me, who challenges the CEO of this world. Ask them if my words are true or not.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Death - Unforgiving?
Hey there people, am back after a long time…was too busy to write anything. Well, yesterday, that is the 3rd of June, 2010, I came across an experience that I think I should share with you all.
Look, I just love to experiment with stuff…just pick up a topic, or something, and I’ll describe an experiment or two I tried out with it. Hardly are there topics which I haven’t experimented upon. But yesterday, I think I crossed the line…because I experimented with life…and I tried out death…and I had almost crossed the point of no return…just a few seconds more, may be, and I wouldn’t have been here to write this. Just try to imagine, you people reading stuff written by someone who won’t ever touch his keyboard again…who doesn’t exist anymore….hmmm…
Last morning, I had a fight with dad regarding some issue. Let me add that people who know me well will know why I tried this out. So, as usual, with a grumpy and teary face, I went into the washroom for a bath. Who knows what hit me! I was struck by an awesome idea…the idea of feeling what it feels like to die. Well, I got out, pretending I forgot my dry clothes and took a nylon rope with me. I tied a noose and then hung the rope from the grills on the window. Then, as I prepared my mind to take to record what was going on, I just put in around my neck and let my entire body-weight on it. Initially, I began to feel dizzy. Then, suddenly, and I have no idea when, the world blacked out. The next thing I know, something hard hit me on my face…and then, it begins. My mind was still alive. But my brain was on the process of dying due to lack of oxygen. I lost control of my body. It simply didn’t wanna respond to my mind’s commands. I could feel myself shaking uncontrollably while the feeling from my muscles started to fade away as life was waning…simply put, I was going into convulsions...and then, I began hallucinating. I could hear voices around me…voices…voices which I haven’t heard for quite some time. Tthough I couldn’t make out what they were…yet, I knew that I knew them. And then, I saw what Iron Maiden really meant by saying, “a walk through the garden of life”…I saw my whole life pass in front of my eyes…like in a movie… (yeah, at least I got to watch a movie for free!!! :-P )…scenes from the past, they all passed before my eyes….and then, far away, in the distance, I heard bangs and my mom calling out to me. It sounded so far away…and then, like a wave crashing on a shore, breath came back to me…my body responded to my mom’s call and I found myself on the floor…head first.
As my brain began functioning again, I became confused. I responded to mom. Then I started wondering, what was I doing on the floor? As I looked around, I saw the rope broken. Then, I realized what I had just done. I had escaped death by seconds…death had forgiven me and sent me back. There was tremendous pain in my head. I looked into the mirror…my lip was swollen and bleeding, there were two lumps on my forehead…painful lumps, and one bleeding…I tasted something bitter in my mouth and realized it was bile because it was burning my tongue…and then, the familiar taste of blood. I realized that I had been reborn, thanks to my mom. You know, when people are strangled or choked or smothered to death, due to lack of oxygen, the bile comes up which turns their tongues black. And bile really came up…you can realize how close I was…and when I asked mom what she heard, she said she heard the sound of something falling and then, a groan…a groan which you hear from someone about to die. It’s not a groan of pain, it’s the groan you hear when life starts leaving the body… I was so close…
Form our childhood, we are taught that Death is something you should never trust…because
Death never forgive you…you face Her, you DIE. I say different. Death is just another girl. She’s all hot and curvy and stuff and will get you horny in seconds, just like she got me. But then you start flirting with her, and inviting her to you…to accompany you in bed, she, like a typical girl, will shy away from you…why, even run away sometimes. I saw death in the face. She’s beautifully hot. But when I invited her to my bed for that night, she just forgave me and went away…and I was reborn…
Look, I just love to experiment with stuff…just pick up a topic, or something, and I’ll describe an experiment or two I tried out with it. Hardly are there topics which I haven’t experimented upon. But yesterday, I think I crossed the line…because I experimented with life…and I tried out death…and I had almost crossed the point of no return…just a few seconds more, may be, and I wouldn’t have been here to write this. Just try to imagine, you people reading stuff written by someone who won’t ever touch his keyboard again…who doesn’t exist anymore….hmmm…
Last morning, I had a fight with dad regarding some issue. Let me add that people who know me well will know why I tried this out. So, as usual, with a grumpy and teary face, I went into the washroom for a bath. Who knows what hit me! I was struck by an awesome idea…the idea of feeling what it feels like to die. Well, I got out, pretending I forgot my dry clothes and took a nylon rope with me. I tied a noose and then hung the rope from the grills on the window. Then, as I prepared my mind to take to record what was going on, I just put in around my neck and let my entire body-weight on it. Initially, I began to feel dizzy. Then, suddenly, and I have no idea when, the world blacked out. The next thing I know, something hard hit me on my face…and then, it begins. My mind was still alive. But my brain was on the process of dying due to lack of oxygen. I lost control of my body. It simply didn’t wanna respond to my mind’s commands. I could feel myself shaking uncontrollably while the feeling from my muscles started to fade away as life was waning…simply put, I was going into convulsions...and then, I began hallucinating. I could hear voices around me…voices…voices which I haven’t heard for quite some time. Tthough I couldn’t make out what they were…yet, I knew that I knew them. And then, I saw what Iron Maiden really meant by saying, “a walk through the garden of life”…I saw my whole life pass in front of my eyes…like in a movie… (yeah, at least I got to watch a movie for free!!! :-P )…scenes from the past, they all passed before my eyes….and then, far away, in the distance, I heard bangs and my mom calling out to me. It sounded so far away…and then, like a wave crashing on a shore, breath came back to me…my body responded to my mom’s call and I found myself on the floor…head first.
As my brain began functioning again, I became confused. I responded to mom. Then I started wondering, what was I doing on the floor? As I looked around, I saw the rope broken. Then, I realized what I had just done. I had escaped death by seconds…death had forgiven me and sent me back. There was tremendous pain in my head. I looked into the mirror…my lip was swollen and bleeding, there were two lumps on my forehead…painful lumps, and one bleeding…I tasted something bitter in my mouth and realized it was bile because it was burning my tongue…and then, the familiar taste of blood. I realized that I had been reborn, thanks to my mom. You know, when people are strangled or choked or smothered to death, due to lack of oxygen, the bile comes up which turns their tongues black. And bile really came up…you can realize how close I was…and when I asked mom what she heard, she said she heard the sound of something falling and then, a groan…a groan which you hear from someone about to die. It’s not a groan of pain, it’s the groan you hear when life starts leaving the body… I was so close…
Form our childhood, we are taught that Death is something you should never trust…because
Death never forgive you…you face Her, you DIE. I say different. Death is just another girl. She’s all hot and curvy and stuff and will get you horny in seconds, just like she got me. But then you start flirting with her, and inviting her to you…to accompany you in bed, she, like a typical girl, will shy away from you…why, even run away sometimes. I saw death in the face. She’s beautifully hot. But when I invited her to my bed for that night, she just forgave me and went away…and I was reborn…
Monday, May 10, 2010
Love...An Illusion???
Hey people, am back…after ages, I know…can’t help it, had loads of stuff to catch up on…
Today’s Monday, right? Well, last night, I was talking to a friend of mine…came to know her from Facebook. Man, I swear, she’s got such horrible misconceptions about the most beautiful thing in this world…and maybe, perhaps the only thing that had kept us humans HUMANS…LOVE…
I know, to many of you who have either suffered a heart-break of have had a break up, to you, this words has no meaning….but trust me, it means a lot. Guys, this is the most beautiful thing that ever existed…it’s the only thing that has kept the human race alive or we would be eating each other up.
Let me begin with her words. She said, “I have a real bad concentration and love means nothing to me, I don’t believe in it. If I get into anything, then my studies will be hampered…” (Or something like that…sorry R.D, if you’re reading this, then forgive me for misquoting you…I am pretty bad at quoting).
Man, I was shocked…shocked at her look on love. Why her? Many of you share the same view…then two words for you…read on…
Guys, you think love is an illusion, right? Well, then let me tell you, it’s the best illusion you can ever have. It’s a real strange thing. If you really think that love has no value in your life, then answer this question, “Do you have parents?” Well, the answer is obvious. Of course you do. Then tell me, what about the love your parents give you? What about the numerous pains they are taking, the numerous sacrifices they are making, and the numerous wrongs they are forgiving so that you can be happy? And what are they expecting in return??? Too much? Nah, I don’t think so…they just wanna see you happy, man, can’t you understand??? Love means sacrifice, they tell you. Well, it’s bullshit. It doesn’t mean only sacrifice, it means sacrificing your happiness for the sake of the happiness of the person you love…you might be sad for some time but believe me, in the long run you gain a fuckin’ lot. Look at me…A.P…I let her go…it hurt me a hell lot, no doubt about that and I sometimes even regretted that I had let her go. Now look at me. Am back to my old self…fagging, laughing, being merry, talking utter shit with buddies…it did cause pain but now, it hurts no more…not that I don’t love her anymore… (You just can’t stop loving someone or else your parents would have hated you when you committed your first wrong)…but that I know that wherever she is, she’s happy…and her smile means a lot to me…
Yeah, Before I Forget (I know, it’s a Slipknot song from the album The Subliminal Verses), let me come to the part where love is said to interfere with your concentration…it’s just fucking crap. Don’t give me that look, it is. If you can’t concentrate, then it’s your fault, not love’s. In fact, love actually makes you work harder…so that you can succeed and make an awesome life for the both of you. Let’s take the example of your parents…they love each other, no doubt. Then is their love for each other hampering their own occupation??? Do you see them get demoted or promoted??? Then? How can this sacred thing cause you to ruin your concentration??? Guys, get a grip. Gone are the days when superstition could rule you and stop you from doing things that could actually benefit you…and this saying, “Love ruins your concentration” is perhaps the biggest superstition.
Don’t take me to be a fortune-teller or something but I know the question in your mind??? “How can you compare teen love with the love of parents for their kids?” Hold on…I will answer everything. You see, you can’t compare love. Love is love. Period (No pun…the gals will understand what am talking about! :-P). you can’t classify love. You just can’t. Yeah, maybe the love between parent-kids has no physical expectations but that’s the only difference. Apart from that, both the loves make us try to do good for the other person…
And perhaps, the greatest example of love is God’s love for the world. Yes, despite seeing how much we are ruining values and humanity, He still loves us…He’s still forgiving our sins…and He’s kept love alive for us Humans…thank you, O’ Lord…thank you…
Well, I hope that was enough…I spoke my heart out…and a big thanks to Sriparna and Poulami…they were continuously texting me, you know, chatting and made this writing time real joyful…thanks, Porny and Polo…see you people later…
Signing out,
Aakash, the Angel of Death…
Today’s Monday, right? Well, last night, I was talking to a friend of mine…came to know her from Facebook. Man, I swear, she’s got such horrible misconceptions about the most beautiful thing in this world…and maybe, perhaps the only thing that had kept us humans HUMANS…LOVE…
I know, to many of you who have either suffered a heart-break of have had a break up, to you, this words has no meaning….but trust me, it means a lot. Guys, this is the most beautiful thing that ever existed…it’s the only thing that has kept the human race alive or we would be eating each other up.
Let me begin with her words. She said, “I have a real bad concentration and love means nothing to me, I don’t believe in it. If I get into anything, then my studies will be hampered…” (Or something like that…sorry R.D, if you’re reading this, then forgive me for misquoting you…I am pretty bad at quoting).
Man, I was shocked…shocked at her look on love. Why her? Many of you share the same view…then two words for you…read on…
Guys, you think love is an illusion, right? Well, then let me tell you, it’s the best illusion you can ever have. It’s a real strange thing. If you really think that love has no value in your life, then answer this question, “Do you have parents?” Well, the answer is obvious. Of course you do. Then tell me, what about the love your parents give you? What about the numerous pains they are taking, the numerous sacrifices they are making, and the numerous wrongs they are forgiving so that you can be happy? And what are they expecting in return??? Too much? Nah, I don’t think so…they just wanna see you happy, man, can’t you understand??? Love means sacrifice, they tell you. Well, it’s bullshit. It doesn’t mean only sacrifice, it means sacrificing your happiness for the sake of the happiness of the person you love…you might be sad for some time but believe me, in the long run you gain a fuckin’ lot. Look at me…A.P…I let her go…it hurt me a hell lot, no doubt about that and I sometimes even regretted that I had let her go. Now look at me. Am back to my old self…fagging, laughing, being merry, talking utter shit with buddies…it did cause pain but now, it hurts no more…not that I don’t love her anymore… (You just can’t stop loving someone or else your parents would have hated you when you committed your first wrong)…but that I know that wherever she is, she’s happy…and her smile means a lot to me…
Yeah, Before I Forget (I know, it’s a Slipknot song from the album The Subliminal Verses), let me come to the part where love is said to interfere with your concentration…it’s just fucking crap. Don’t give me that look, it is. If you can’t concentrate, then it’s your fault, not love’s. In fact, love actually makes you work harder…so that you can succeed and make an awesome life for the both of you. Let’s take the example of your parents…they love each other, no doubt. Then is their love for each other hampering their own occupation??? Do you see them get demoted or promoted??? Then? How can this sacred thing cause you to ruin your concentration??? Guys, get a grip. Gone are the days when superstition could rule you and stop you from doing things that could actually benefit you…and this saying, “Love ruins your concentration” is perhaps the biggest superstition.
Don’t take me to be a fortune-teller or something but I know the question in your mind??? “How can you compare teen love with the love of parents for their kids?” Hold on…I will answer everything. You see, you can’t compare love. Love is love. Period (No pun…the gals will understand what am talking about! :-P). you can’t classify love. You just can’t. Yeah, maybe the love between parent-kids has no physical expectations but that’s the only difference. Apart from that, both the loves make us try to do good for the other person…
And perhaps, the greatest example of love is God’s love for the world. Yes, despite seeing how much we are ruining values and humanity, He still loves us…He’s still forgiving our sins…and He’s kept love alive for us Humans…thank you, O’ Lord…thank you…
Well, I hope that was enough…I spoke my heart out…and a big thanks to Sriparna and Poulami…they were continuously texting me, you know, chatting and made this writing time real joyful…thanks, Porny and Polo…see you people later…
Signing out,
Aakash, the Angel of Death…
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Will I ever forgive myself?
u people must have found me talking a lot of preachy stuff and throwing a hell lot of philosophy at you...well, there's only one person i can thank for allowing me to discover these qualities...my bestest best friend, whom i prefer calling "MOMMY!!!"...
well, when the time came for me to show if i actually follow the stuff i preach, well, i failed. partly was due to the mentality of the public out here and their reaction and partly due to my own self-reservedness ...but i just can't blame these stuff....fuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!!
it was last saturday...well, 10th of April. i had coaching classes so i had taken a bus to the place. midway, a girl boarded it. i still remember her very well. she had a very beautiful face, silky hair which went down below her neck and was tied in a horse tail. she wore a green t-shirt and bluish-black jeans. she was just so beautiful. well, there wasn't no place to sit, so she came up near me and stood. now, in India, in a bus, you're supposed to stand either on the left or right side, but not in the middle, lest you want to be trampled all over. but she stood kinda in the middle. the fare-guy who collect all the fare comes up and tells her, "You either stand on the left or the right." There was a hint of impatience in his voice. she didn't respond. that guy told her again. this time, she moved towards the side i was sitting in. i was wondering whether i should offer her my seat. you may think that am crazy for not offering it to her, but the thing is, in my country, when a teen offers his seat to a she, it's taken in a negative way. still, i wanted to, but my body just won't move. the gut then asked her,"where are you getting off?" no reply. he asks, "you getting of at Minto Park?" she stares at his face first, then nods. he ushers her to a side. but she moves up in front and stands there. (sorry, a mismatch of tenses but, as i am writing this, i can feel tears burning...and my mind ain't just working)...
i kept on staring at her. not for once could i take my eyes off her...she was looking just so pure...so bright...so immaculate...but her strange silence, the absence of a cell phone and her timidness made me suspect something. i prayed for my suspicion to go wrong...
it was her time to pay the fare. she simply took out cash from her bag and without a word, just gestured to the fare-guy and handed the cash. by the look of her face, i could understand that she was expecting her change to be returned. the guy just looked at her, and then, he simply looked away. i could see despair in her beautiful eyes...oh, how i hated myself for not being able to get up and just bash that guy up...my suspicion was true...she was mute...the despair in those dark, misty eyes grew...i felt like breaking down...somehow, i just didn't. her stop came. although my stop was far from hers, as soon as the bus stopped, i got down along with her. i made up my mind to talk to her. somehow, i couldn't. i felt so protective about her...i stopped and kept on looking at her...making sure that she crossed the road safely...then, i started blaming myself. oh how i abused myself and shouted at myself...but it was too late...so what if she couldn't speak? she was a human too...i cold have become her mode to connectivity to this cold world? the fare-guy took advantage of her silence and stole her money. she had no way to protest...i had, but i didn't...i always have enough guts in my fuckin' butts to screw people up or even play real dangerous pranks...then where was my guts when i needed it for a noble purpose? where? just fuckin where???
i preach a lot...but where was my own preaching when i needed them? i just hate myself...i just can't forgive myself. would it have been wrong to be her friend? you know, she has been haunting my thoughts since then...but she's lost...lost in this huge world...if you do meet her, then please tell her that i am sorry...but i just won't be able to forgive myself.please, i wanna meet her up again...i wanna talk to her....i just wanna bring a smile on her lips and show her that the world ain't as cold as she thinks it is...but what's the use of saying all these when i could do absolutely nothing? do i deserve forgiveness??? i won't be able to look into the mirror anymore....in this world, where i have been brought up with a huge lack of love and affection, where i had and still have to live as if it's a deal, where people hardly understand me or care for me, let alone love me, is it wrong to be loving someone? i am just so sorry...
i am what i am, thanks to me. i molded myself...but the molding has not been enough...i can never forgive myself...
well, when the time came for me to show if i actually follow the stuff i preach, well, i failed. partly was due to the mentality of the public out here and their reaction and partly due to my own self-reservedness ...but i just can't blame these stuff....fuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!!
it was last saturday...well, 10th of April. i had coaching classes so i had taken a bus to the place. midway, a girl boarded it. i still remember her very well. she had a very beautiful face, silky hair which went down below her neck and was tied in a horse tail. she wore a green t-shirt and bluish-black jeans. she was just so beautiful. well, there wasn't no place to sit, so she came up near me and stood. now, in India, in a bus, you're supposed to stand either on the left or right side, but not in the middle, lest you want to be trampled all over. but she stood kinda in the middle. the fare-guy who collect all the fare comes up and tells her, "You either stand on the left or the right." There was a hint of impatience in his voice. she didn't respond. that guy told her again. this time, she moved towards the side i was sitting in. i was wondering whether i should offer her my seat. you may think that am crazy for not offering it to her, but the thing is, in my country, when a teen offers his seat to a she, it's taken in a negative way. still, i wanted to, but my body just won't move. the gut then asked her,"where are you getting off?" no reply. he asks, "you getting of at Minto Park?" she stares at his face first, then nods. he ushers her to a side. but she moves up in front and stands there. (sorry, a mismatch of tenses but, as i am writing this, i can feel tears burning...and my mind ain't just working)...
i kept on staring at her. not for once could i take my eyes off her...she was looking just so pure...so bright...so immaculate...but her strange silence, the absence of a cell phone and her timidness made me suspect something. i prayed for my suspicion to go wrong...
it was her time to pay the fare. she simply took out cash from her bag and without a word, just gestured to the fare-guy and handed the cash. by the look of her face, i could understand that she was expecting her change to be returned. the guy just looked at her, and then, he simply looked away. i could see despair in her beautiful eyes...oh, how i hated myself for not being able to get up and just bash that guy up...my suspicion was true...she was mute...the despair in those dark, misty eyes grew...i felt like breaking down...somehow, i just didn't. her stop came. although my stop was far from hers, as soon as the bus stopped, i got down along with her. i made up my mind to talk to her. somehow, i couldn't. i felt so protective about her...i stopped and kept on looking at her...making sure that she crossed the road safely...then, i started blaming myself. oh how i abused myself and shouted at myself...but it was too late...so what if she couldn't speak? she was a human too...i cold have become her mode to connectivity to this cold world? the fare-guy took advantage of her silence and stole her money. she had no way to protest...i had, but i didn't...i always have enough guts in my fuckin' butts to screw people up or even play real dangerous pranks...then where was my guts when i needed it for a noble purpose? where? just fuckin where???
i preach a lot...but where was my own preaching when i needed them? i just hate myself...i just can't forgive myself. would it have been wrong to be her friend? you know, she has been haunting my thoughts since then...but she's lost...lost in this huge world...if you do meet her, then please tell her that i am sorry...but i just won't be able to forgive myself.please, i wanna meet her up again...i wanna talk to her....i just wanna bring a smile on her lips and show her that the world ain't as cold as she thinks it is...but what's the use of saying all these when i could do absolutely nothing? do i deserve forgiveness??? i won't be able to look into the mirror anymore....in this world, where i have been brought up with a huge lack of love and affection, where i had and still have to live as if it's a deal, where people hardly understand me or care for me, let alone love me, is it wrong to be loving someone? i am just so sorry...
i am what i am, thanks to me. i molded myself...but the molding has not been enough...i can never forgive myself...
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