u people must have found me talking a lot of preachy stuff and throwing a hell lot of philosophy at you...well, there's only one person i can thank for allowing me to discover these qualities...my bestest best friend, whom i prefer calling "MOMMY!!!"...
well, when the time came for me to show if i actually follow the stuff i preach, well, i failed. partly was due to the mentality of the public out here and their reaction and partly due to my own self-reservedness ...but i just can't blame these stuff....fuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!!
it was last saturday...well, 10th of April. i had coaching classes so i had taken a bus to the place. midway, a girl boarded it. i still remember her very well. she had a very beautiful face, silky hair which went down below her neck and was tied in a horse tail. she wore a green t-shirt and bluish-black jeans. she was just so beautiful. well, there wasn't no place to sit, so she came up near me and stood. now, in India, in a bus, you're supposed to stand either on the left or right side, but not in the middle, lest you want to be trampled all over. but she stood kinda in the middle. the fare-guy who collect all the fare comes up and tells her, "You either stand on the left or the right." There was a hint of impatience in his voice. she didn't respond. that guy told her again. this time, she moved towards the side i was sitting in. i was wondering whether i should offer her my seat. you may think that am crazy for not offering it to her, but the thing is, in my country, when a teen offers his seat to a she, it's taken in a negative way. still, i wanted to, but my body just won't move. the gut then asked her,"where are you getting off?" no reply. he asks, "you getting of at Minto Park?" she stares at his face first, then nods. he ushers her to a side. but she moves up in front and stands there. (sorry, a mismatch of tenses but, as i am writing this, i can feel tears burning...and my mind ain't just working)...
i kept on staring at her. not for once could i take my eyes off her...she was looking just so pure...so bright...so immaculate...but her strange silence, the absence of a cell phone and her timidness made me suspect something. i prayed for my suspicion to go wrong...
it was her time to pay the fare. she simply took out cash from her bag and without a word, just gestured to the fare-guy and handed the cash. by the look of her face, i could understand that she was expecting her change to be returned. the guy just looked at her, and then, he simply looked away. i could see despair in her beautiful eyes...oh, how i hated myself for not being able to get up and just bash that guy up...my suspicion was true...she was mute...the despair in those dark, misty eyes grew...i felt like breaking down...somehow, i just didn't. her stop came. although my stop was far from hers, as soon as the bus stopped, i got down along with her. i made up my mind to talk to her. somehow, i couldn't. i felt so protective about her...i stopped and kept on looking at her...making sure that she crossed the road safely...then, i started blaming myself. oh how i abused myself and shouted at myself...but it was too late...so what if she couldn't speak? she was a human too...i cold have become her mode to connectivity to this cold world? the fare-guy took advantage of her silence and stole her money. she had no way to protest...i had, but i didn't...i always have enough guts in my fuckin' butts to screw people up or even play real dangerous pranks...then where was my guts when i needed it for a noble purpose? where? just fuckin where???
i preach a lot...but where was my own preaching when i needed them? i just hate myself...i just can't forgive myself. would it have been wrong to be her friend? you know, she has been haunting my thoughts since then...but she's lost...lost in this huge world...if you do meet her, then please tell her that i am sorry...but i just won't be able to forgive myself.please, i wanna meet her up again...i wanna talk to her....i just wanna bring a smile on her lips and show her that the world ain't as cold as she thinks it is...but what's the use of saying all these when i could do absolutely nothing? do i deserve forgiveness??? i won't be able to look into the mirror anymore....in this world, where i have been brought up with a huge lack of love and affection, where i had and still have to live as if it's a deal, where people hardly understand me or care for me, let alone love me, is it wrong to be loving someone? i am just so sorry...
i am what i am, thanks to me. i molded myself...but the molding has not been enough...i can never forgive myself...
Sunday, April 11, 2010
retrospect
It was a Wednesday. I had to take a boring and sleepy E.V.E exam at my school. Not that I disliked the subject…I actually hated and despised it…I still remember how we all used to literally screw up our E.V.E teacher in class…those were some moments…!
Well, after three hours of torture, I finally managed to drag myself from the slumber and walked out in the sunshine, knowing full well that my paper would give the examiner a heart-attack… (I was actually hoping that it could kill her!)…well, you know what happens outside school after an exam…G.D… as in Group Discussion…I didn’t feel like joining it to I simply headed on to the bus stop. On the way, I met a few guys….actually I met a few good guys, you know, the kind who are good in studies, study a hell lot like they have a lack in life, behaves well with everyone and simply cannot bring themselves to insult a fellow human being…in other words, “The Ideal Son” and “GOD”’s ideal Creation (ahem!). I ain’t nowhere near them...you know, coz am perverted, abusive and am an average student (I just score enough to pass). Well, since these people are the greater mortals in student life, I thought they were always a class higher to me so I really never liked being with people who are “intellectually” and as a “human being” higher to me.
Now, it so happened that these two guys were from my own class and section so it would be rude not to talk to them. So we were busy discussing the paper and the “messes” they made (for them, mess = a 75 out of 80). I started having superiority complex because I knew they would never be able to beat me…a mere 12 or 15 max out of 80. Come on Beat THAT!!! As the discussions were going on, a blind man came near us. His eyes were covered with glasses; he was shorter than me (I am 5’11.), his body was frail and he wore a simple red-black-white combo shirt and khaki colored pants. Now, before I proceed, let me confess this little thing – I simply cannot stand suffering. I mean I can bear pain very well and stuff but I just can’t watch people suffer, especially when he was not as lucky as me…it just rents my heart badly and I just wonder why…sometimes, I just can’t stop tears from coming to my eyes and the look of pained bravery on the faces of these people makes my heart cry out… (Mom, look, I am turning into a Man from a Dog)…I mean, why them...what’s their fault…what’s their mistake??? No answers…just no fuckin’ answers!!!
Now, as my mind was pondering over these, I noticed that this man had edged towards us. As soon as they saw him, the just moved away…the good guys, the sons of God moved away… (Yeah right, And Love Was All That Saved Us…). I stood there, alone. My heart was crying out and my scientific brain wanted me to do some little thing for this man…at least I would then be able to bring a smile on his face…but what??? I didn’t want to make this man feel small by voluntarily asking to help him and he wasn’t trying to cross the road. Nevertheless, I didn’t move away from my spot. I stood rooted there.
Then, the man spoke to me. He asked, “Is this the bus stop?”
I was glad to have been approached. Now I could make a small difference to him, no matter how infinitesimally small it may be. After all, a smile is all that could make a hell lot of difference and it doesn’t cost to be a human. I replied, “Yes it is. Which bus will you be taking?”
He didn’t answer my question. Instead, he strained his ears (that’s what it looked like. Later I realized that I was right.) and said, “No, it ain’t no bus.” I looked to see that a cab just sped by. He kept his ear open and listened to the sounds of vehicles. He seemed to understand each time that the vehicle which just sped by was not a bus.
Finally, a bus arrived. He asked me, “Which route bus is this?” I replied, “45-A. Will you be taking it?”
“Yes…”
I didn’t let him complete. I held his hand and put my other arm across his shoulder and said, “Here, let me put you on it.” I didn’t see his reaction or his face but I can tell that his mood was definitely lighter. I made sure that he was safely up in the bus. I do not know whether he arrived safely at his destination or not but all I know is that what I did could have also been done by the God’s Kids.
See, one thing I don’t understand is, why can’t we humans be humans? Why do we have to be so self-centered? Preach moral values (Suck my DICK!!!) and ways of living to our kids and go against the values ourselves. I’m sure those god’s kids, when they have children will always ask their kids to help others in need and be kind and stuff…where the fuck were their values then? They actually moved away! Just imagine…I mean, come on now, would it have hurt very much to help that man? I mean, man is supposed to be the humane beast because he has his all-powerful brain with which he can definitely judge what to do and what’s right and wrong. Then instead of creating ways of devastating Earth and Civilization, why can’t he use his brains to make the world a home??? We many call Earth our home planet, but believe me, our home has been snatched away by ourselves. Now it’s just a mere house to breed in and then, a house to think out ways of bringing it down.
In today’s world, I admit due to tight and busy schedules, people hardly have breathing space.
“What is life so full of care/We have no time to stand and stare?” But hey people, stop. There are so many things we are still too young to understand. Our ‘ignorance’ is leading to our downfall. Our death is coming closer. “And the Reaper wants more…” – (Silent Night, Bodom Night by Children of Bodom). The human race has a long history because he simply refused to be wiped out. He has lived on out of sheer desire and determination. But hey, stop. Look around. Where is that old instinct that just makes us want to survive? Some may argue that it’s there. I disagree. If it was there, then despite knowing the consequences, we would not have continued the destruction of mankind. Perhaps, as the Bible and other Holy Books put it, a Great Apocalypse may be coming. Even if man survives, he will just be a tool of nature again. Man will have lost Man forever. After all, if it’s man who moves away from another man just because the later can’t see, imagine what dire consequences this is going to have in the future…
signing out,
Aakash...
Well, after three hours of torture, I finally managed to drag myself from the slumber and walked out in the sunshine, knowing full well that my paper would give the examiner a heart-attack… (I was actually hoping that it could kill her!)…well, you know what happens outside school after an exam…G.D… as in Group Discussion…I didn’t feel like joining it to I simply headed on to the bus stop. On the way, I met a few guys….actually I met a few good guys, you know, the kind who are good in studies, study a hell lot like they have a lack in life, behaves well with everyone and simply cannot bring themselves to insult a fellow human being…in other words, “The Ideal Son” and “GOD”’s ideal Creation (ahem!). I ain’t nowhere near them...you know, coz am perverted, abusive and am an average student (I just score enough to pass). Well, since these people are the greater mortals in student life, I thought they were always a class higher to me so I really never liked being with people who are “intellectually” and as a “human being” higher to me.
Now, it so happened that these two guys were from my own class and section so it would be rude not to talk to them. So we were busy discussing the paper and the “messes” they made (for them, mess = a 75 out of 80). I started having superiority complex because I knew they would never be able to beat me…a mere 12 or 15 max out of 80. Come on Beat THAT!!! As the discussions were going on, a blind man came near us. His eyes were covered with glasses; he was shorter than me (I am 5’11.), his body was frail and he wore a simple red-black-white combo shirt and khaki colored pants. Now, before I proceed, let me confess this little thing – I simply cannot stand suffering. I mean I can bear pain very well and stuff but I just can’t watch people suffer, especially when he was not as lucky as me…it just rents my heart badly and I just wonder why…sometimes, I just can’t stop tears from coming to my eyes and the look of pained bravery on the faces of these people makes my heart cry out… (Mom, look, I am turning into a Man from a Dog)…I mean, why them...what’s their fault…what’s their mistake??? No answers…just no fuckin’ answers!!!
Now, as my mind was pondering over these, I noticed that this man had edged towards us. As soon as they saw him, the just moved away…the good guys, the sons of God moved away… (Yeah right, And Love Was All That Saved Us…). I stood there, alone. My heart was crying out and my scientific brain wanted me to do some little thing for this man…at least I would then be able to bring a smile on his face…but what??? I didn’t want to make this man feel small by voluntarily asking to help him and he wasn’t trying to cross the road. Nevertheless, I didn’t move away from my spot. I stood rooted there.
Then, the man spoke to me. He asked, “Is this the bus stop?”
I was glad to have been approached. Now I could make a small difference to him, no matter how infinitesimally small it may be. After all, a smile is all that could make a hell lot of difference and it doesn’t cost to be a human. I replied, “Yes it is. Which bus will you be taking?”
He didn’t answer my question. Instead, he strained his ears (that’s what it looked like. Later I realized that I was right.) and said, “No, it ain’t no bus.” I looked to see that a cab just sped by. He kept his ear open and listened to the sounds of vehicles. He seemed to understand each time that the vehicle which just sped by was not a bus.
Finally, a bus arrived. He asked me, “Which route bus is this?” I replied, “45-A. Will you be taking it?”
“Yes…”
I didn’t let him complete. I held his hand and put my other arm across his shoulder and said, “Here, let me put you on it.” I didn’t see his reaction or his face but I can tell that his mood was definitely lighter. I made sure that he was safely up in the bus. I do not know whether he arrived safely at his destination or not but all I know is that what I did could have also been done by the God’s Kids.
See, one thing I don’t understand is, why can’t we humans be humans? Why do we have to be so self-centered? Preach moral values (Suck my DICK!!!) and ways of living to our kids and go against the values ourselves. I’m sure those god’s kids, when they have children will always ask their kids to help others in need and be kind and stuff…where the fuck were their values then? They actually moved away! Just imagine…I mean, come on now, would it have hurt very much to help that man? I mean, man is supposed to be the humane beast because he has his all-powerful brain with which he can definitely judge what to do and what’s right and wrong. Then instead of creating ways of devastating Earth and Civilization, why can’t he use his brains to make the world a home??? We many call Earth our home planet, but believe me, our home has been snatched away by ourselves. Now it’s just a mere house to breed in and then, a house to think out ways of bringing it down.
In today’s world, I admit due to tight and busy schedules, people hardly have breathing space.
“What is life so full of care/We have no time to stand and stare?” But hey people, stop. There are so many things we are still too young to understand. Our ‘ignorance’ is leading to our downfall. Our death is coming closer. “And the Reaper wants more…” – (Silent Night, Bodom Night by Children of Bodom). The human race has a long history because he simply refused to be wiped out. He has lived on out of sheer desire and determination. But hey, stop. Look around. Where is that old instinct that just makes us want to survive? Some may argue that it’s there. I disagree. If it was there, then despite knowing the consequences, we would not have continued the destruction of mankind. Perhaps, as the Bible and other Holy Books put it, a Great Apocalypse may be coming. Even if man survives, he will just be a tool of nature again. Man will have lost Man forever. After all, if it’s man who moves away from another man just because the later can’t see, imagine what dire consequences this is going to have in the future…
signing out,
Aakash...
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