u people must have found me talking a lot of preachy stuff and throwing a hell lot of philosophy at you...well, there's only one person i can thank for allowing me to discover these qualities...my bestest best friend, whom i prefer calling "MOMMY!!!"...
well, when the time came for me to show if i actually follow the stuff i preach, well, i failed. partly was due to the mentality of the public out here and their reaction and partly due to my own self-reservedness ...but i just can't blame these stuff....fuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!!
it was last saturday...well, 10th of April. i had coaching classes so i had taken a bus to the place. midway, a girl boarded it. i still remember her very well. she had a very beautiful face, silky hair which went down below her neck and was tied in a horse tail. she wore a green t-shirt and bluish-black jeans. she was just so beautiful. well, there wasn't no place to sit, so she came up near me and stood. now, in India, in a bus, you're supposed to stand either on the left or right side, but not in the middle, lest you want to be trampled all over. but she stood kinda in the middle. the fare-guy who collect all the fare comes up and tells her, "You either stand on the left or the right." There was a hint of impatience in his voice. she didn't respond. that guy told her again. this time, she moved towards the side i was sitting in. i was wondering whether i should offer her my seat. you may think that am crazy for not offering it to her, but the thing is, in my country, when a teen offers his seat to a she, it's taken in a negative way. still, i wanted to, but my body just won't move. the gut then asked her,"where are you getting off?" no reply. he asks, "you getting of at Minto Park?" she stares at his face first, then nods. he ushers her to a side. but she moves up in front and stands there. (sorry, a mismatch of tenses but, as i am writing this, i can feel tears burning...and my mind ain't just working)...
i kept on staring at her. not for once could i take my eyes off her...she was looking just so pure...so bright...so immaculate...but her strange silence, the absence of a cell phone and her timidness made me suspect something. i prayed for my suspicion to go wrong...
it was her time to pay the fare. she simply took out cash from her bag and without a word, just gestured to the fare-guy and handed the cash. by the look of her face, i could understand that she was expecting her change to be returned. the guy just looked at her, and then, he simply looked away. i could see despair in her beautiful eyes...oh, how i hated myself for not being able to get up and just bash that guy up...my suspicion was true...she was mute...the despair in those dark, misty eyes grew...i felt like breaking down...somehow, i just didn't. her stop came. although my stop was far from hers, as soon as the bus stopped, i got down along with her. i made up my mind to talk to her. somehow, i couldn't. i felt so protective about her...i stopped and kept on looking at her...making sure that she crossed the road safely...then, i started blaming myself. oh how i abused myself and shouted at myself...but it was too late...so what if she couldn't speak? she was a human too...i cold have become her mode to connectivity to this cold world? the fare-guy took advantage of her silence and stole her money. she had no way to protest...i had, but i didn't...i always have enough guts in my fuckin' butts to screw people up or even play real dangerous pranks...then where was my guts when i needed it for a noble purpose? where? just fuckin where???
i preach a lot...but where was my own preaching when i needed them? i just hate myself...i just can't forgive myself. would it have been wrong to be her friend? you know, she has been haunting my thoughts since then...but she's lost...lost in this huge world...if you do meet her, then please tell her that i am sorry...but i just won't be able to forgive myself.please, i wanna meet her up again...i wanna talk to her....i just wanna bring a smile on her lips and show her that the world ain't as cold as she thinks it is...but what's the use of saying all these when i could do absolutely nothing? do i deserve forgiveness??? i won't be able to look into the mirror anymore....in this world, where i have been brought up with a huge lack of love and affection, where i had and still have to live as if it's a deal, where people hardly understand me or care for me, let alone love me, is it wrong to be loving someone? i am just so sorry...
i am what i am, thanks to me. i molded myself...but the molding has not been enough...i can never forgive myself...
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